?

Log in

(no subject)

« previous entry | next entry »
Jan. 17th, 2006 | 12:03 am

so much of the last couple of years have dealt with learning to take control of my life. realizing that child whores do have value; or rather, that this child whore has value. it has after all, been a series of trips, falls and bumps into my own psychosis.
i was scared when i first typed out memories that haunted my spirit and crying when i first hit the enter button. there were times that i pulled on my hair, scratched my arms and bit my lip as i waited for judgement of those that had found themselves in the audience. it seems as if it were a lifetime ago that i would sit, hour after hour, typing away my pain with this experiemt of sharing myself to the land of lj. the process has given me wonderful experiences in learning about myself and the opportunity to make connections, no matter how brief or long lasting. i fileted myself and for whatever reasons, many of you sat and watched.
i don't have much to say about those things, today. somewhere along the lines, i've made peace with those parts of my life. sure, i may revisit them during some sort of emotional freak out at a later date. for now, they are comfortable with what love and acceptance that i have been able to muster for them as i lay them to rest.

for the last few years i have measured myself against many of you. i've judged myself with the eyes of a critic and overall, i found that i always came up short. i'm going to lay those measurements aside as they really do not matter. your judgement of me doesn't really matter, either; though i am not sure i can place them into their own box just yet.

now that the dust has settled from so many tantrums, moments of needing to go back and say that i was sorry, the worries of how you would think of me after reading a confession; i have found that i really don't have too much to say of any consequence. i spew my mental freakouts as an excercise of breathing; i dance back and forth in text as if i were an exhibitionist. obviously, i am one, but surely there should be reason to the music.

i spent this weekend being supported and supporting my husband as we attempt to quit smoking. i've had about a half a cig. a day for the last three days. not completely smoke-free, but a hell of a good start for myself. somehow i have managed to cut back on the mt. dew rather drastically as well. i keep wanting to get up and excercise but the dizziness keeps coming up and kicking my ass back to bed. baby steps here.

as i move along my path of healing, there is less and less to share because the experience of confession has already taken place. i couldn't even allow myself to come in here and type/rant of how badly i had wanted a smoke this weekend. essentially, while i spew of self, this has now transformed into being about you.

there are so many connections that i don't want to lose. this experience has been a huge part of my progress. something has to change though. i'm not sure what or how. in the past, i would have ran away or broke it by now.

Link | {Sit in the Circle} | Share

Comments {17}

zhenzhi

(no subject)

from: zhenzhi
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 08:18 am (UTC)
Link

wow! giving up smoking is tough. i did it two months ago, cold turkey.... all the stuff i had supressed by smoking was suddenly free to spew forth... gah!!!! LOL!!!!
good for you!! xoxoxo
and as an aside, it's an excellent boost to finances too. :-)

Join the chanting? | Thread

MoonSkrye

(no subject)

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
Link

i can't go cold turkey at this time. i'm using patches and they are a big help, even if i am going nuts heh. thanks :)

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Mae

(no subject)

from: getandgot
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 08:55 am (UTC)
Link

hugs!

Join the chanting? | Thread

MoonSkrye

(no subject)

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Link

thank you. it's nice to see you back in lj land :)

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

(no subject)

from: sagefemme11
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 02:33 pm (UTC)
Link

Nicotine is more addictive than heroine.
Kicking it is living hell on the system.
So cut yourself some slack, Sweet Roni.
This is a tough piece of meat you're gnawing on, drink some water, it'll go down easier.
IOW, you have lots of love and support here. Absorb some of that energy and use it for your growth-projects.

A little yoga goes a long way.
And don't forget the orgasms, for heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!

(My finger's would be waterlogged at this point, if I was trying to kick a huge habit right now!)

Join the chanting? | Thread

MoonSkrye

(no subject)

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Link

drinking water, drinking herbal teas and enjoying my love of chai, too ;) i feel pretty good about the whole process. it isn't easy and there are moments that i have to stfu in my head, but overall, i'm ok.
yoga has definately been an addition. i can't do as much as i want to without getting dizzy, but it really is helping---along with breathing excercises.
orgasms are always a help :)

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Nylan

(no subject)

from: nylan
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 02:58 pm (UTC)
Link

as i move along my path of healing, there is less and less to share because the experience of confession has already taken place. i couldn't even allow myself to come in here and type/rant of how badly i had wanted a smoke this weekend. essentially, while i spew of self, this has now transformed into being about you.

Why? It's your journal, it should be for and about what you need. I mean, if it's just a case that you don't need this as a place to go to for that kind of support, ok... it is, in the end, a journal for you to get out what you need to and get feedback at times. If you're just concerned that we'll get bored... don't :P I'm sure a lot of what I type in my journal is boring to you. That's ok, it's what I'm going through and what I'm thinking now. But having that place, even if it is just somewhat boring and routine, does help us keep in touch. If we didn't have this place to talk, we wouldn't even really be in touch anymore ;(

there are so many connections that i don't want to lose. this experience has been a huge part of my progress. something has to change though.

Yeah, definitely agree with the connection part. Why do you feel something needs to change, though? Just curious, trying to understand where you are ;)

*huggles*

I'm just full of questions this morning, aren't I? :P

Join the chanting? | Thread

MoonSkrye

(no subject)

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 07:41 pm (UTC)
Link

to the first part. i think a lot of it has to do with comfort levels. i've found that my comfort levels with different people vary quite a bit. overall, i want the connection. sometimes, i worry that it has become to repetitious or that some were here and have hung on just because of the past emotional sharings. i don't know if i am making any sense with what i am trying to say. i feel rather vulnerable and sometimes, it really makes me uncomfortable. so while i want the connection, sometimes i am afraid of those connections and just as afraid when i try to connect and it doesn't seem to be wanted.

there are so many connections that i don't want to lose. this experience has been a huge part of my progress. something has to change though.

Yeah, definitely agree with the connection part. Why do you feel something needs to change, though? Just curious, trying to understand where you are ;)


if this were a paper diary, i think i would be at the last few pages. it just feels like time to buy another book to write in. not throw this one away, but to place it on the shelf of memories and continue into a new chapter of my life.

*hugs*

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Nylan

(no subject)

from: nylan
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 09:34 pm (UTC)
Link

Uhm, so am I correct in translating that to that you've made some connections that were very good at the time but over time you've grown somewhat apart and you feel like they may only be staying because of the past connections, not because of a current connection... and you're a little uncomfortable sharing some things because you fear the reaction it would bring?

I don't know. I guess the other thing I'm having some difficulty with is this idea of phases of life. I see it, and I guess I can relate in some ways, but I also... I don't know, I am me. I guess I wouldn't think of it as starting a new book, but as a new chapter in the same book. Throughout it all, I am me. Yanno? It's a minor point, though, just something I thought was kinda interesting between what you're saying and how I see things. And it could be largely because... honestly, I haven't had as many life-changing events as you have, so for me... it's a lot easier to see things as a gradual progression, since it's all largely of a part. Though I could be way off-base... just random ramblings of "omg, almost home time" :P

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

MoonSkrye

(no subject)

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 09:47 pm (UTC)
Link

uhm yeah on the first part, but don't say it so loud heh. :P

it isn't that past experiences aren't a part of me; more that sometimes transitions and new beginnings get a boost when marked with the ritual of closing previous chapters.

"omg, almost home time" :P
like OmG squeeeeeee!!!! :)

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Nylan

(no subject)

from: nylan
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 10:44 pm (UTC)
Link

If I'm one of those past connections whose reaction makes you nervous, just let me know and I can either tone it down or back off... I still would like to stay in touch cuz I likes j00 and stuffs, but I know I can be really opinionated and outspoken at times ;)

*huggles*

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

MoonSkrye

silly magi

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 11:09 pm (UTC)
Link

bryce, you can't get rid of me that easily. :P

I still would like to stay in touch cuz I likes j00 and stuffs
awwwwww :)

but I know I can be really opinionated and outspoken at times
ya think? ;)

i can not imagine a time that we will not be friends, even when i annoy the crap out of you. we don't talk near as often as we used to (hell i think it has been a few months since i have actually used a messenger program), but i'm always an email or phone call away if you need to talk and i think it goes both ways.
not that i'm paranoid or nuffin, but i'm still invited to the wedding, right? :P i'm really looking forward to seeing you and to finally get to meet jes in person.

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Lainie

Quiting is hard

from: dixiethorn
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 05:17 pm (UTC)
Link

Quiting is way hard! I know, because I keep trying, but not doing to well at it, perhaps deep down I really don't want to. :( But if you want to you will. You know there's always an ear and pair of eyes here to listen and read what you have to say. What you say to so many of us, especially me, is extremely uplifting, so I'd hate to loose that connection...

Always here, awaiting with bated breath for the sweet words of one who is living experience, and wisdom in containment.

I read, I evaluate, I think, I wonder, I hope, I love, I care, & I cherish. Only a sampling of the things you effect upon my soul.

With open heart and open mind, we connect, to one another, through space and time.

Love ya Roni, Huggles Dixie

Join the chanting? | Thread

MoonSkrye

Re: Quiting is hard

from: moonskrye
date: Jan. 17th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC)
Link

when you think you will be ready to try quitting again check out the website for nicodermCQ and their site for committed quiters. you fill out a survery about your habits and they help put together a game plan to help you quit. tons of positive info and alternatives to your routine. it may also be a benefit to call the american cancer society--they have a 'support' program to help aid in the quest of kicking the habit. all i know is that for me, 25 years is long enough and that it's time i make some better decisions for myself. i want to walk the walk, yanno,

i'm glad you are here hun. more than i can express.

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Re: Quiting is hard

from: one who doesn't want to be named
date: Jan. 18th, 2006 04:12 am (UTC)
Link

Thank you hon, I will keep that in mind. Believe it or not, I smoked my first when I was 12, then didn't touch them again until I was 24! I know insane, isn't it? Someone once asked me "Who starts when they're 24?!" Well someone who's bored, and sick and tired of her status quo with the ex! It's remained with me since, and I haven't been able to kick it yet. But I will return to try.

Thanks! I'm glad too... :D

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Lainie

stupid thing wasn't logged in! :(

from: dixiethorn
date: Jan. 18th, 2006 04:15 am (UTC)
Link

You might want to delete these 2 posts! :( sowwy!

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread

Lainie

Re: Quiting is hard

from: dixiethorn
date: Jan. 18th, 2006 04:13 am (UTC)
Link

Thank you hon, I will keep that in mind. Believe it or not, I smoked my first when I was 12, then didn't touch them again until I was 24! I know insane, isn't it? Someone once asked me "Who starts when they're 24?!" Well someone who's bored, and sick and tired of her status quo with the ex! It's remained with me since, and I haven't been able to kick it yet. But I will return to try.

Thanks! I'm glad too... :D

Join the chanting? | Mother Chant | Thread